I feel like I’m close to the edge of relief. So close I can almost feel the air changing. Like I’m about to take the risk, jump from the plane, and trust that my parachute will open before I hit the ground. For a moment, freedom feels possible. Not easy. Not safe. But possible.
Then the hands return. Long nails claw through my skin, digging deep, tearing me open as they pull me back. The pain turns sour and hot, spreading through my body like fire. I step away from the edge, shaken and burning, and fall back into the layer I’ve been trying to escape. Back into the torture. Back into the place that almost let me go.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back: The Non-Linear Reality of OCD Recovery
This extended metaphor piece captures the cycle I experience in my OCD recovery; moments when I feel close to breaking free from compulsions, only to be pulled back into ritualistic behaviors by anxiety and intrusive thoughts. The “hands” represent Gretchen (my personified OCD), and the “edge” is that moment of almost choosing not to engage in the ritual. The backward fall is the real experience of setbacks, relapses, and regression that happens in recovery.
I’m learning to practice radical acceptance of this process, not because it’s easy or fair, but because healing doesn’t happen in straight lines. Some days are one step back. Some days are two. And some days, I’m simply closer to the edge than I was before. That proximity matters, even when I fall back. The work is learning to witness the cycle without shame, and to trust that the process itself is worth the wait.
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